Tag: satire

How to Defeat the Coronavirus

BY: SIDONIA CANNON, STAFF WRITER Editor’s Note: The following is not a transcription of a real press conference. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have issued new guidelines to diminish the spread of the coronavirus.  CDC spokesman Benjamin…

Now That I’m An Atheist

BY ALEX MADAJIAN, CONTRIBUTOR Editor’s note: This piece is a work of satire. Today, I’ve decided to become an atheist. That means I am now defined by what I don’t believe. Now it doesn’t mean I don’t stand for anything,…

Starship Robots Takeover Campus

Mason robots complete their goal of total control BY DE’ANDRE DARBY, STAFF WRITER As the sun rises in the morning, the site of tens of thousands of tired college students shuffling across the concrete is in clear view. When a…

Construction to Block Your Next Walk to Class

After a slew of problems with demolition, the Mason construction estimate has been moved back to 2060 BY TRAVIS MCMILLAN, STAFF WRITER Mason has heard all of your complaints about the construction, in particular both how difficult it has made…

Things of Mason

BY AHMED FARID George “The Statue” Mason WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT MASON? Obviously, the fact that it is named after me is my favorite thing about GMU. Not a lot of people can say that they have a large…

Tea with Ivy

From Digital Affair to Interpersonal Reluctance, Two Youngsters Are Caught in Identity Crises   BY KIM BARTENFELDER, STAFF WRITER Dear Ivy, My girl best friend, let’s call her E, recently created a fake online dating profile for fun. My guy…

Random White Guy Found Studying on JC Third Floor

Confusion sparks among third floor Middle Eastern and South Asian community BY BASMA HUMADI, LEO SUN LIBRA MOON It was any other ordinary Tuesday in the Johnson Center (JC), and sophomore Bradson Tanner needed a place to study. Tanner grabbed…

Fountains of Mason

Rating the Water Fountains of George Mason University BY ALEXANDER SHEDD, ASSISTANT CULTURE EDITOR In this column, I will rate the wonderful world of Mason’s water fountains using five quality categories: Water Pressure, Usability, Stream Consistency, Location and Presentation. Johnson…

This Week in Politics

Monday, March 25 In an effort to resurrect his father, George W. Bush sacrifices Jeb Bush on an altar at the family’s ranch in Texas. President Trump skips out on meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to watch…