Now That I’m An Atheist


Editor’s note: This piece is a work of satire.

Today, I’ve decided to become an atheist. That means I am now defined by what I don’t believe. Now it doesn’t mean I don’t stand for anything, even though that’s what we would logically conclude from that premise. Instead, it just means I’m an eternal critic of all things eternal. 

One reason for my exodus from religion is all of the deaths at the hands of religion. One of my more self-affirming sources, Rational Wiki, estimates the amount of deaths caused in the name of Christianity over all of human history is about 30 million. Although the same source estimates people killed in atheistic regimes such as those of Stalin or Mao is around 100 million within the last 100 years. As an atheist, I don’t stand for anything that’s inconvenient in re-affirming my lack of belief in a god. 

If you absolutely demand I believe in something, I would have to choose science. With the recent scientific discoveries about morality, such as the molecular formula for hatred, the computer models for virtue and the chemical make-up of justice, we can use reasoning to deduce morality! Good thing, too — prior to these discoveries, atheists had to just copy-and-paste from other religious traditions. It’s a relief to not need to plagiarize the commandments, the sermon on the mount or any other moral commandment claimed to have come from the spiritual deities.

As an atheist, I now know with absolute certainty there is no such thing as absolute certainty. I also am objectively sure everything is subjective. Furthermore, it is completely clear to me the most reasonable explanation for the beginning of the universe is everything came from nothing. Anyone who denies these beliefs is fooling themselves. 

If you have just become an atheist and you’re struggling to continue, don’t worry — it’s easy! Just follow these two steps when you confront a religious person. Step 1: demand they give natural evidence for the unnatural or tangible evidence for the intangible. Step 2: repeat step one while resisting the urge to formulate any sort of supernatural conception of the universe. See? Only two steps!

Society doesn’t need religion or spirituality anymore. It’s not as though they have a long tradition of philosophy, education, art, science, advocacy of charity, liberty within governments or the abolishment of slavery. It’s also silly to believe anyone of any consequence was religious. In fact, I feel we should probably change our dating system to A.D. (after Darwin) and B.C. (Before Christopher Hitchens). Look, just because statistics indicate people live longer and are happier because of religion, doesn’t mean it’s good for society.

I believe atheism is good for society because we are free. Of course religious people are free too — this is a free country after all — but atheists are free-thinkers! Nevermind the fact that religious people have the capacity to freely think too — we don’t need to follow the commandments set forth by some silly sky-wizard! Rather than rely on the celestial leprechaun to make-up morality, I’ll make it up myself. I feel humans, especially me, are the most moral and logical beings in existence. Who else would be more qualified to make moral declarations? (My second paragraph doesn’t apply here!) 

Religious people point out that atheism leads to more suicide attempts is clearly a red herring. Now although that I feel there is no higher power, no ultimate justice, no assurance of moral redemption, no promise of an afterlife, and no real purpose in life other than what I personally invent for myself, it seems silly that religion has any place in modern society at all.