Tea with Ivy

Billy Ferguson/ Faux Estate

From Digital Affair to Interpersonal Reluctance, Two Youngsters Are Caught in Identity Crises  


Dear Ivy,

My girl best friend, let’s call her E, recently created a fake online dating profile for fun. My guy best friend, we’ll call him H, thinking the whole catfish idea was hilarious, did the same thing. Turns out now that their accounts matched. They don’t know it’s the other and they’re actually catching some feels. What should I do since I know?


The Middleman


Dear Middleman,

OOOUUU, THAT IS CRINGEY. It definitely seems like a sticky situation your friends have put themselves in. Although, I must say, this has to be the doing of some cosmic order at work and having a good laugh at the same time.  

Since you are asking for help, I see two solid options in your future.

The first, and more boring option, is that since you already see yourself as the middleman, be the mediator even further and tell them. I’m sure E and H are aware that feelings are starting to catch, and could consider telling the other their real identities anyway.

Seeing that the profiles started as a joke, there isn’t any valid reason for them to have hard feelings against you. You are just the friend who knows all the tea.

The more fun option, and I actually prefer this option, is that you could let them ride this crazy roller coaster they strapped themselves into.

Funny as this is, while I was in the midst of writing your response,  I received another call for advice from none other than the notorious E herself.

So E, since you asked for my advice, here it is.

E- Surprise, surprise ma’am, but your online love interest is actually a mutual friend. Go to him like in the romcoms we all love to love and love to hate. Or don’t, and let the awkward tension of your friendship with H fester until one of you has an outburst of affection in the dining hall causing all sorts of attention to be drawn to you.

And H- embrace this queen if and when you see her Naruto running towards you! No fear, you won’t have to be like Judd Nelson in “The Breakfast Club” or anything, because your typed sweet nothings from your profile have already won her over. Or don’t, and be that guy who represses any form of emotion because society tells men they can’t express feelings. Which, by the way, is a trash concept, and you should go on to do your own thing.

To my readers, if you know E and H, call them out. Make a scene, because we all love a courtroom drama aka campus drama now. Good luck, young catfishing lovers!