Monday, March 25
- In an effort to resurrect his father, George W. Bush sacrifices Jeb Bush on an altar at the family’s ranch in Texas.
- President Trump skips out on meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to watch reruns of “Saturday Night Live” from before they hated him.
Tuesday, March 26
- Mueller report reveals aging FBI investigator “could have been in Hawaii this whole time, I don’t know.”
- Mason President Ángel Cabrera shocked that students are angry over Kavanaugh hiring.
Wednesday, March 27
- Compromise on Green New Deal results in the abolishment of trash cans; all garbage to be burnt on White House lawn.
- Strict “anti-abortion” bill that makes it illegal for women to even consider not having children passes in Georgia state House.
Thursday, March 28
- Trump decides not to kill Obamacare after learning his family has been on it since 2012.
- Putin shocked to learn he didn’t collude with Trump’s campaign after reading the Mueller report.
Friday, March 29
- Congress authorizes funding of $15 dollars for Trump’s border wall.
- Paul Ryan “hopeful” for 2020 presidential run.