This Week in Politics

Monday, March 25

  • In an effort to resurrect his father, George W. Bush sacrifices Jeb Bush on an altar at the family’s ranch in Texas.
  • President Trump skips out on meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to watch reruns of “Saturday Night Live” from before they hated him.

Tuesday, March 26

  • Mueller report reveals aging FBI investigator “could have been in Hawaii this whole time, I don’t know.”
  • Mason President Ángel Cabrera shocked that students are angry over Kavanaugh hiring.

Wednesday, March 27

  • Compromise on Green New Deal results in the abolishment of trash cans; all garbage to be burnt on White House lawn.
  • Strict “anti-abortion” bill that makes it illegal for women to even consider not having children passes in Georgia state House.

Thursday, March 28

  • Trump decides not to kill Obamacare after learning his family has been on it since 2012.
  • Putin shocked to learn he didn’t collude with Trump’s campaign after reading the Mueller report.

Friday, March 29

  • Congress authorizes funding of $15 dollars for Trump’s border wall.
  • Paul Ryan “hopeful” for 2020 presidential run.