Students Give Coronavirus a 10/10

Fourth Estate/Billy Ferguson

Things at Mason are changing and the students are loving it


Editor’s Note: This piece is a work of fiction written for Fourth Estate’s satire issue, Faux Estate.

In countless states around the U.S., universities are closing their doors and moving students out of the dorms in order to practice social distancing due to the coronavirus. Mason has followed suit and classes have been moved online the rest of the semester. 

Students appear to be ecstatic about the move back home, because nobody ever goes to college to get away from their family and hometown. Countless students now have the privilege to return to their high school selves — trying to be independent while still being a young adult living with their parents. 

“Oh, I love being back home because of how calm things are here; being in the middle of a global pandemic really eases the tension,” sophomore Taj Kokayi said. 

Sophomore Raymond Dang also added, “I like how my parents expect me to be by their side 24/7 while I’m at home. I’m really their personal babysitter.” 

During their time at home, students have been busy completing homework for their online classes. They are occasionally caught staring out the window daydreaming about watching TikTok videos instead of watching their professor attempt to get their audio working on BlackBoard Collaborate Ultra for the first 30 minutes of class.

Another pastime that students are enjoying is thinking about what might have happened at Mason if the semester had been able to continue. Many students held jobs on campus, but now enjoy the student debt incurred and subsequent free hours that they have to do much less fruitful activities (that is, unless they manage to become an overnight TikTok influencer). 

Not only does being at home now appeal to students, but the coronavirus itself appears very popular among the student population. They enjoy the impending sense of doom the coronavirus provides. 

“My love for the coronavirus is a 10/10 — one for every week it has put me out of class,” Kokayi said. 

This high popularity rating among students makes the coronavirus the most popular pandemic yet. The roaring ‘20s have returned, impending stock market crash followed by a severe economic depression included, and the students are here for it.