Tag: satire

Mason Student Gets Drunk, Actually Beats Robot

“It just wanted to have a beep-boop day” BY IZZ LAMAGDELEINE COPY GOD In a manner that showed how professional, incredible and amazing Mason students are, Tuesday, March 28, a student was found in a state of intoxication close to…

“NO, THAT IS A SPORTS TERM”

Sports editor quits after realizing no one else in the office knows what a sport is BY NATALIE HEAVREN, THE UCONN WOMEN ARE NOT BAD FOR BASKETBALL Faux Estate will begin the intergalactic search for a new Sports Editor after,…

Patriots beat Mason Patriots 4.25 to -2 in first tournament

Mason Athletics Invents New Sport, Will Play Themselves at the Division I Level BY ALEXANDER SHEDD, ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR Mason Athletics announced the creation of a new sport last week, Patriotball, and immediately played against their own team in a…

Battle of Heroes

Gunston and the Patriot to duel in lightsaber battle to decide the mascot for the 2019-’20 season BY DOMENIC ALLEGRA, THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS ARE STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS As many people know, the Patriot has been our university’s mascot since 2007….

What fabric should sports uniforms be made out of?

  BY ALEXANDRIA MCALPINE The biggest concern in sports today is which fabric jerseys are made out of, obviously. The polyester basketball jerseys are soooo three years ago. Also two years ago. And last year and this year, as well….

Quit Horsing Around

Sports editors beat Mason basketball in a game of HORSE, sending Athletics into a frenzy BY DOMENIC ALLEGRA, THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS ARE STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS On Friday, March 29, the sports editors of Faux Estate challenged the Men’s and Women’s Basketball…

A Mason Switcheroo

Green Machine and Mason basketball to switch for one game next year; ‘Doc ‘Nix to head coach BY NATALIE HEAVREN, THE UCONN WOMEN ARE NOT BAD FOR BASKETBALL During one nonconference game in both the men’s and women’s schedules, the…

Will Somebody Please Iron the Final Four Banner

  BY DOMENIC ALLEGRA, THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS ARE STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS When people are asked about the one thing they would change about Mason, they usually give examples like making better dining halls, lowering the cost of parking passes or…