Ally McAlpine/Faux Estate
Sports editor quits after realizing no one else in the office knows what a sport is
BY NATALIE HEAVREN, THE UCONN WOMEN ARE NOT BAD FOR BASKETBALL
Faux Estate will begin the intergalactic search for a new Sports Editor after, former Sports Editor Natalie Heavren, walked out of last weekend’s production meeting upon realizing that no one else in the office knew what a sport was.
“I started this section back up from nothing. It’s my pride and joy, but unfortunately, I felt like I had to quit,” she said.
“Just last week I had to explain that bye week was not spelled ‘b-u-y.’ I then had to explain what a bye week was.”
Heavren, who had been the Sports Editor since August 2018, simply got tired of saying, “NO, DON’T CHANGE THAT … IT’S A SPORTS TERM.”
“I actually had to break down the concept of fantasy football last September,” she said. “I just couldn’t believe that there were people that hadn’t heard of fantasy football and didn’t know how it worked.”
After months of explaining Sports terms and creating a specialized AP/house Sports style guide, Heavren had reached her limit.
“I nearly screamed when one of my writers texted me saying their story contained the phrase ‘faster break points’ instead of ‘fast break points’ last November,” said Heavren. “After that, we started the ‘Sports Guide,’ or what I deemed a ‘No, This Really is a Sports Term’ guide.”
With spring Sports nearly half over, Heavren simply gave up. Despite mumbling on and on about home runs, goals and various track and field events, no one managed to retain what a sport was.
“You would think after this many months, they would have listened to any words that have come out of my mouth during that time,” said Heavren. “It’s not like I talk about much else besides Sports. They really should have figured out what AT LEAST one sport was. I was watching March Madness games in the office just last week and college football games last fall.”
Will the Sports section be missed? Probably not. No one seemed to know what a sport was, so only time will tell if Faux Estate will ever again have a Sports section.
“You know, I really don’t know what she’s been doing this whole time,” said Editor-in-Chief Alex Shedd. “I mean, I know I hired her, but looking back, I’m not quite sure why. We’ll be meeting on April 31 to discuss whether we will be bringing back the Sports section next fall.”
“Wait, they don’t know what a sport is? I’m out, too,” said former Assistant Sports Editor Domenic Allegra.
If you are interested in applying to be the Sports Editor, please wait until the end of the Spring 2021 semester to apply; there is no need to apply until then as Heavren slowly teaches the office about Sports.
