I Am the Lorax and I Speak for The Trees!

Billy Ferguson/Faux Estate


You know what? When I came back from spring break and noticed the trees gone, I realized something. I realized something so incredibly important that I was beside myself for days on end.

What did I realize, you may ask? Well, I realized that George Mason University (for once) made an amazing call. Their decision was so amazing that I realized that they were right. Having a massive blade whirr a million miles an hour to rip into the defenseless trees and see them fall was 100 percent a good decision.

These trees? Ha, they were terrorists. Whenever it became mildly cold, the wimps decided to send their billions of leaves down to cause us such havoc in our normally peaceful lives. I remember my very first semester here at Mason, when fall came. Oh. My. Gosh. It was like a war zone. Leaves were everywhere. And I mean … truly everywhere. They littered the ground so much you couldn’t see our beautiful, blandish beige sidewalks whenever you’d take a nice stroll down to your classes. Please don’t tell me the leaves didn’t cause you trouble, because I don’t know one person who didn’t have issues because of them.

One of the many issues faced was when I wiped out on some leaves because they were so slippery from the rain. Like, let’s be real, these leaves became banana peels waiting on the pavement purposefully so a disaster would strike a poor, innocent, unsuspecting student just waiting for them to fall in the minefield of leaves.

Don’t even get me started on how ugly the campus looked whenever fall arrived and the leaves would come crashing down unnecessarily on us in a torrential wave of musty-smelling foulness. All of the vivid colors clashed so poorly with all of the buildings around campus, it was as if I was at a glow-in-the-dark amusement park.

These trees would simply ruin pictures too. Like graduation in fall? Umm, no thanks. Not with those invasive beings in the background. Yuck. Got to have those perfect “I survived!” pictures to prove to your family that yes, you actually graduated. You definitely can’t have them judging you over the fact that there’s colorful leaves in the pictures.

And what about those demonic creatures called squirrels? They didn’t need homes. They only live off of making our lives miserable by throwing acorns at our head, gambling on how many students they can hit a day.

Ugh. Thank goodness George Mason decided it was a good call to cut down those trees. Whew.