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SUSAN KATHERINE CORKRAN, MYSPACE OUTREACH DIRECTOR

Presidents of the United States have left their immortal words behind —written beautifully on parchment in the Declaration of Independence, spoken with mournful bravery on the field of Gettysburg or broadcasted boldly to a nation determined to break the confines of the planet itself by landing a man on the moon.

We can’t all become writers and speakers like these men, but we can make changes in our public social media lives right now to start sounding a little more presidential. The power of this transformation will not only strengthen others’ perception of you, but will also improve your own social media health by leaps and bounds—boosting self-esteem, revealing your true friends and freeing you to speak your mind.

Follow this list of tip and tricks to improve your social media experience:

• Be bold. Be as bold as a face full of cigar smoke in a non-smoking area—like the pediatric ward of a hospital. Be as bold as a climate-change denier standing on top of a melting iceberg. Be as bold as a man groping the flag of the United States of America. USE CAPITAL LETTERS! That’s bold.
• Keep yourself trending for all the right reasons by using the best catchphrases. The hashtag #MAGA is like a McDonalds burger—you’ve got to have at least one a day.
• Truth is really subjective, or something like that. Retweet everyone and everything you like without fact-checking it or taking a look at the source: like a broken clock, even Mussolini is right sometimes. Or maybe alt-right.
• Spellcheck is for losers. If someone calls you out for a little typo, just remember that Shakespeare made words up all the time, and people love him.
• Tweet at all hours, because the sun never sets on the U.S.. If something is keeping you up at night, get it off of your mind and onto everyone else’s.
• Give yourself some credit. Nobody is going to do you justice except you, so don’t be humble or timid about tooting your own horn.
• You regret the things you don’t say more than you regret the things you do say. When in doubt, spit it out.
• Find occasion to use the following words more often: liar, great, witch hunt, dog, crooked, great, loser, low IQ, great, tremendous, wall, hoax, great, sad, AMERICA.
• It’s ridiculous to think, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” because sometimes the not-nice things get a lot of retweets. If it’s politically correct, it isn’t worth saying. Life has no safe spaces, so just go for it. Also, world peace probably wasn’t going to happen anyway, so this is really no skin off your back. Unless someone says something mean about you, then that’s FAKE and you should sue.