Coronavirus Survival Guide

Tips to thrive while inside!


Editor’s Note: This piece is a work of fiction written for Fourth Estate’s satire issue, Faux Estate.

Fourth Estate/Alexandria McAlpine

Many of you are probably nearing insanity after this first week or so in isolation due to the virus, so if you want to avoid going crazy, keep on reading.

It can be mind-numbing sitting inside all day, slowly running out of things to do and finding ways to avoid your family. It’s really hard to enjoy the prime of your life when you can’t go outside or talk to people. 

Try Not to Think About the Fun You Could Be Having

So, the first tip to thriving in this isolation is to not think about how perfectly your life was going before COVID-19. Totally don’t think about how people are out partying with their friends right now while you’re stuck with the dog. And absolutely don’t think about all the beaches, bars and restaurants that you could be visiting and all the parties with friends that you could be attending. Just remember that you’ve still got your dog!

Buy Everything

Being stuck at home all day, you’re bound to run out of supplies at some point, be it food, hand sanitizer or toilet paper. So, if you run to the grocery store, try to grab every last bit of whatever you need! The other people who go to the grocery store and can’t find what they need are just too slow. Stock up on whatever you need — whether you actually need it or not.

Touch Everything

While you are out shopping, all surfaces are totally fine to touch, even though the virus can survive on them for hours after contact. You don’t have to use any hand sanitizer! Someone will probably come around and clean it, maybe.

Don’t Sweat Online Education

You probably have a lot of assignments that are coming up, and your online classes have begun. As expected, there should be no issues whatsoever and the transition should be very smooth. Try not to worry because it’s not like we enjoyed spending time with our other classmates anyway

All your teachers are having a very easy time adjusting their, originally in person, classes to online ones, so feel no shame in barraging them with questions they might or might not have the answers to. They totally aren’t real people with their own problems and stresses due to this huge change.

Getting Off Campus

Now that the campus is finally kicking us off, make sure that you don’t miss taking back any essential items (like that party dress) to make the process as easy as possible for the people running housing. 

When you’re absolutely sure that you have all your stuff with you, just remember that you don’t really have to clean up any of the messes you made and have yet to get to. It’s someone else’s job now.

To conclude, just relax at home with your parents and take this whole time as casually as possible. Switch all those grades into pass/fail — who needs a GPA boost anyways. It’s basically an early summer!