Great hair could replace great hair

As the Mason community remembers Tom O’Connor fondly as he prepares to retire, it has not taken the administration long to begin the search for his replacement. The athletic department has already started contacting potential candidates.

“The search to replace Tom O’Connor is going to be a long and arduous process,” said Jay Marsh, Senior Associate AD of Facilities, Events, and Championships. “We are going to make sure we take our time, but we’ve already talked to some candidates, and we’re very excited about the prospects.”

A source within the administration claims so far the top candidate appears to be Emilio Estevez.

“We’re constantly looking for better ways to gain our university notoriety and respect,” the source said. “What better way to help get more recruits and nation spotlight than hiring a once famous actor?”

Estevez, the 51 year-old actor famous for such great films as “Young Gunz II” and “Men at Work,” would serve as a tremendous asset to the Mason community by providing a beautiful mug to become the face of the Mason Athletic Department.

President Angel Cabrera refused to comment on the matter, but Marsh smiled coyly when asked asked about Estevez as a potential candidate.

“I wouldn’t say anyone is a top candidate right now, but there’s something you gotta love about that idea,” Marsh said. “I mean it isn’t like he doesn’t have the athletics acumen. He coached the Mighty Ducks to a Minnesota Pee-Wee Championship and Team USA to a Junior Goodwill Games victory.”

While no one rushed to tell Marsh these achievements were purely fictitious, they apparently hold major value to both Cabrera and Marsh.

“The people heading up the search committee were truly impressed by the decisions Estevez made as Gordon Bombay,” the source inside the athletic department said. “Both of them rave about his decision to pull the hot goalie Goldberg in favor of Julie the Cat Gaffney all because she had the better glove.”

Sure enough Estevez was right and Gunner Stahl went glove because he is fancy, but this happened in a work of pure fiction. That does not seem to bother the search committee.

“We understand that as an actor, he has limited experience in athletics, but his characters he has played have more than enough experience to account for his actual inexperience,” the source said.

Our source makes good points considering in “The Breakfast Club” Estevez played an elite high school wrestler who showed strong leadership characteristics by embracing a nerdy Anthony Michael Hall. Furthermore, he proceeded to excel at the law while coaching the Ducks. He even gained experience in academic law fighting Eden Hall forcing them to honor his team’s scholarships. All of these would be phenomenal resume builders if he did them in real life.

Tom O’Connor declined to comment about potentially being replaced by an actor. After slamming the door to his office a loud ruckus could be heard outside the door.

While Estevez top the list, other potential candidates include a reanimated Paul Newman, Oklahoma St. angry coach Mike Gundy, Bob Knight’s son Pat Knight, and in a surprise move Wolf the Dentist Stanson.

Marsh refused to put a timetable on the search especially considering O’Connor remains in his position through the end of the semester.