Editor’s Note: This piece is a work of fiction written for Fourth Estate’s satire issue, Faux Estate.

Monday, March 23 — Johnson Center

Theft: Complainant (GMU) reported the theft of two Starship robots from charging station behind JC. (04/McAlpine) 

Case 2020-00IVE — Pending 

Monday, March 23 — Amherst

Dog Fraud: Complainant (GMU) reported purchasing an emotional support K9 online that was revealed to actually be a large, ungroomed cat upon arrival. (00/Scudder)

Case 2020-00IVE — Transferred to Local Humane Society

Tuesday, March 24 — Mason Pond

General Terror: Complainant (GMU) reported being chased by Canadian geese from the Mason pond all the way to the Shenandoah Parking Deck after trying to cross the street near their territory. (01/Santos)

Case 2020-00IVE — Inactive

Wednesday, March 25 — EagleBank Arena

Trespassing: Complainant (GMU) reported seeing an unknown large green fuzzy creature (Non-GMU) underneath the stands in EagleBank Arena. (08/Allegra)

Case 2020-00IVE — Inactive

Thursday, March 26 — Office of Student Media (Fourth Estate)

Assault: Complainant (GMU) reported unwanted slapping by a known Co Editor-in-Chief (GMU). (17/Tironi)

Case 2020-00IVE — Pending

Thursday, March 26 — Office of Student Media (Fourth Estate

Assault: Complainant (GMU) reported unwanted stabbing with hand by a known Co Editor-in-Chief (GMU). Assailant insisted it is different from “slapping.” (17/Tironi)

Case 2020-00IVE — Pending

Friday, March 27 — Fenwick Library

Trespassing: Subject (Non-GMU) arrested after running through campus, screaming, with white sheet over their head with two holes in front of their eyes. (00/Martincic)

Case 2020-00IVE —  Information Only