Dear Ivy

Dear Ivy

Billy Ferguson/ Fourth Estate

Dearest Ivy,

I am an eccentric person. You see, I have a little problem. It keeps me up at night “sweating,” and there isn’t a moment where I don’t think about this.

So what’s my problem you ask?

Believe it or not, and hear me out, the Spongebob characters represent the seven deadly sins. Yep, you heard me loud and clear—your boy Spongebob is a sin. Spongebob has been a fan favorite of everyone’s, but I know too much, and it’s scaring me. How do I move on knowing all of this and live with myself and still graduate? Love your column, keep doing you boo.

All the best,

Midnight Drunk


Dear Midnight Drunk,

Before I start, I want to applaud your dedication in sending in your letter at exactly 12:00 a.m. on the dot. Thanks for the picture illustrating this theory.

Going back to your problem, the theory you are referring to has actually been around for a while. For those not familiar with it, the theory states that each of the main characters in “Spongebob” represents a sin. The seven deadly sins, in no particular order, are lust, pride, wrath, greed, sloth, gluttony and envy. In this case, Spongebob is lust, Patrick is sloth, Squidward is wrath, Sandy is pride and so on.

So to say the least, there is a lot of material to backup this theory. Someone could watch one episode of Spongebob and understand why this theory came about. Spongebob with his endless love for literally everything. Patrick quite literally lives under a rock. Sandy, a born and raised Texan, is very proud of her home state. It’s quite easy to understand why this theory has both gained so much traction and continues to circulate.

Perhaps one of the strongest supporting evidence for this theory is that the voice actor for Spongebob is onboard with the theory as well. In a 2015 interview with the Huffington Post, the actor, Tom Kenny, stated he thought it was a “good theory.”

Now I know that this knowledge is troubling you. However, I think it’s important to recognize that at the end of the day, this theory doesn’t destroy “Spongebob.” The show remains a staple in many individual’s childhoods, and many mourned the death of creator Stephen Hillenburg on Nov. 26.

So, while this knowledge of “Spongebob” gives you much to think about, if you choose to believe in it, don’t take it too seriously. As far as graduating with this knowledge goes, remember that it’s probably not what Hillenburg had in mind while making the show, as fun as it is to theorize about it.

Good luck with finals Midnight Drunk, and I hope this theory stops plaguing you. Keep doing you too boo.