Viviana Smith/Fourth Estate

Sometimes your next best step is a step back

BY VIVIANA SMITH, SENIOR STAFF WRITER

Climbing up the ladder is something most of us expect our next few years to be like. As we start from the bottom, possibly as an intern or a low-level assistant, we can hope that our next moves carry us up the corporate ladder until we sit in the high seat with “the big dogs.”

But what happens when we make it there and we realize that’s not where we truly want to be? 

In 2022, I joined Fourth Estate as a staff writer. As a writer at heart, I was excited to get my hands on anything I could write. I jumped on opportunities like they were mine alone and hoped to shine through the rest of the writers, impressing those above me. When I spoke to the editor-in-chief at the time, I only hoped I could one day fill his shoes. 

The following fall semester, I was asked to be the news editor. I was ecstatic to know I was moving up the ranks and being recognized for the work I put in. Although I ran into some bumps here and there, I continued moving forward, giving my position everything I had. I eventually moved up once more to managing editor. 

After serving in that role, which felt like being vice-president, I knew there was only one more position to aim for: editor-in-chief. When my peers elected me, alongside my colleague and good friend Gabe, I felt like I had finally made it; however, something felt off. I was running out of fuel. Coupled with personal stressors and being a college student, the role of editor-in-chief was a lot to bear. 

“I wanted this,” I thought. “This is all I’ve been aiming for.” 

“Where do I go from here?”

The answer for me was to go back. Going back to what I knew and where I began. Though it was the peak of my leadership experience, I realized that my team needed a leader who had a lot of mental strength to continue their growth. 

As the saying goes, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” I had to make a decision to allow those around me to grow. I didn’t want to feel like a captain that goes down with the ship– that’s not fair to my crew.

As I stepped down from the role I had strived for, there was emptiness in my heart. I had worked so hard to trudge up the mountain of success only to turn back around and sprint to the beginning. That’s when the imposter syndrome crept up, telling me, “you’re a quitter,” or “you didn’t deserve that position in the first place.” Silencing the voice was hard, especially in the quiet weeks during break with no stories to follow. 

However, when the voice quieted, I realized that this wasn’t the end, rather the beginning. 

In Genki Kawarmura’s international-bestseller novel, “If Cats Disappeared from the World,” a particular line stands out: “In order to gain something, you have to lose something.” This parable isn’t of the author’s mind, as I’m sure you have heard it before. Regardless of its origins, I felt inspired by this more so than ever. 

I lost my position (though I departed on my own volition), but I’ve gained much more. I’ve gained unique experiences that set me apart as a journalist. I’ve found my voice, made deep connections with my peers and community, learned a lot about the world, and helped many of our staff put their best foot forward and grow on their own. Most importantly, I realized that it’s okay to take a step back. 

In a world that values rising through the ranks over everything, also known as  hustle culture, I believe it’s more important to value your wellbeing. You can only ignore your body’s cries for relief as you silently burn yourself into exhaustion for so long. After a while you start to drag others down with you. As a leader, you have an undeniable responsibility to lift up those around you—but even professional bodybuilders have a max. You can only do so much heavy lifting before you’ve reached your limit. 

Instead of pushing your limits, sometimes it’s best to take a step back, reassess your path and try again. Going back does not mean you’re doing bad or that you’ve lost value. It means you’ve readjusted your sails in order to find the right direction. 

There’s no one-size-fits-all way of navigating life. Accomplishments or a lack thereof are not equivalent to personal worth. Just as spring makes room for new life, only for winter to wither it away, spring comes again to welcome in the new and beautiful once more.